So, What is a Matriarch; and How Much is One Worth?

Once again, in recognition of the second consecutive Holiday Eve, I am going to take a different tack this week. In any year, the week between December 25th and January 1st is packed with enough activity to created sensory overload. From the various celebrations, parties, and buying sprees of Christmas to watching the Ball drop, and toasting the New Year, our lives are often driven by a series of nearly uninterrupted goals and impulses. I have the added great fortune of observing and celebrating a birthday in the midst of all the fanfare.

But I am well-accustomed to those events and most of the related dynamics. However, this year, was different. While scanning messages late Christmas Day, I received one from a cousin, sharing sobering, but not totally unexpected news. Our Family Matriarch had passed away.

There is never a good time to receive such information. As a matter of fact, no matter how well-aware one is of circumstances that make such an advisory likely, it is difficult to escape the forceful clarity, certainty and finality of a death announcement. And before you ask, yes, I write this clearly denoting the limitations of mortality, and this earthly realm. What is clear, certain, and final, is with the advent of death, ones earthly ties to life are severed.

The next evening, the cousin who had e-mailed the news called to tell me of the arrangements. This call was even more anticipated than the first, understandably. But then, there was an unexpected twist. Before I could etch the particulars in my mental calendar, he added, “and the family met, and we all decided you should make comments on our behalf.”

While my first thoughts were somewhat Jonah-like, including wondering if someone else was better suited, and pondering how I managed to get selected, I quickly got over it. I concluded instead of acting like Jonah, I should use the lessons of his story; the rewards of obedience, willingness of spirit, gratitude, compassion, and God’s patience and mercy, to help me prepare for my assignment.

The idea of being swallowed by a whale or enduring some equally disagreeable calamity was certainly unappealing of course, but I was motivated by a sense of duty, honor, and fulfilling the wishes of members of my family who had entrusted me with a sacred charge. After accepting what at first seemed like an offer I could not refuse, I comitted to construct remarks that while necessarily brief, still managed to express the depth and breadth of an extraordinary human being, in a way that connected with the people who loved her, and whom she loved.

For those of you who are my family members, this one is for you! If you were there, when you read the next few paragraphs, you can reflect on the comments as I made them. If like some, you were a continent away, or for some other reason, you were unable to attend, here’s your personal copy. Many thanks for the kind words and good wishes I received after the service, and an extra-special thank-you to Queen Shamala and Yealang for your poignantly incisive accounts of your personal memories of “Aunt Babe.” I hope you can feel the loving warmth with which they were expressed.

Below is the unabridged version of my comments:

Good afternoon. Many of you do not know me, and some others may barely remember. I left Kinston 46 years ago, and have returned less and less frequently over the years. But have no doubt I am one of your relatives! However, since I am not a minister, have no fear, this will not be a second sermon; just sharing of a few thoughts about "Aunt Babe."

In many ways I am old-fashioned. I received a call from one of our relatives who spoke with authority, when he said the family had decided I was the best one to do this. Having been taught to respect my elders (Robert), I simply said yes, I will do it.

It is an awesome responsibility, and an even greater privilege for me to stand before you on this occasion, charged with the assignment to speak to you briefly on behalf of the Graham family; our family.

Indeed, our hearts are heavy, collectively. Those who were closest to "Aunt Babe," as she was affectionately known whether she was a cousin, or some other relation, likely have an abundance of mixed feelings. We will miss her, no doubt. But we also respect and accept that she has escaped the debilitating confines of pain and suffering that set in for a season, and she has now moved on to the next realm.

At our Family Reunion, in July this year, "Aunt Babe" was present, and she was appropriately acknowledged as our Family’s Matriarch. So I ask what is a Matriarch anyway, and just how much is one worth?

The Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines Matriarch as:

• The female head of a family or tribal line.
• A woman who is the founder or dominant member of a community or group.
• Venerable; meaning to command great respect because of age or impressive
dignity.

Several appropriate synonyms or words with similar meanings, derived from the same source are:

• Ruler
• Dignified woman
• Mother
• Queen

I am confident those who knew "Aunt Babe" would attest that she was all those things and…more! But that only answers Part A of the question, what is a Matriarch? For the second part, what is one worth; I opted to consult a different source. In doing so, I assert that as our Matriarch, "Aunt Babe" was a virtuous woman. In Proverbs 31: 10, the Holy Bible proclaims, “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.”

As certainly as "Aunt Babe" was our Matriarch; as surely as she was cherished by all of us, her beloved family; as truly as she first loved all of us, immeasurably, she will remain with us in our hearts as long as we live.

Before closing, I want to share three anecdotes about "Aunt Babe." Through the marvel of e-communication, better known as the Internet, I conversed with one of our cousins living in Los Angeles, Shamala Known to some of you as Bessie), about her remembrances of "Aunt Babe."

Two tidbits, as she called them, came to mind. One was of "Aunt Babe’s" creative side. She and her daughter Yealang refer to "Aunt Babe" as the World’s Greatest Recycler, for her ability to use everything again and then again, and in doing so, to create things of great beauty and value, such as quilts, shawls, and wraps.

Shamala also recalled her nurturing side, noting that, "“Aunt Babe" made sure that at every Family Reunion, my oldest sister, Mary, would get there. She either picked-up Mary, who has had a stroke, and lives here in Kinston in an Assisted Living home, or she made arrangements with other drivers.”

The last account is personal. I became reacquainted "Aunt Babe" at a Family Reunion here in Kinston, back in the Eighties. This was before she relocated to the area, from New Jersey. We exchanged contact information, and I was never again a stranger. From that point, I was on her Christmas Card list, and she always sent me a note whenever an important Family gathering was scheduled to take place. Indeed, she was handling things, as good Matriarchs always do.

I close with this obvious note; we love and we miss you "Aunt Babe." Rest in peace!

That was the end of my comments last Sunday. I will add one additional thought. At first, the idea that "Aunt Babe" passed on Christmas Day caused me to be somewhat sad. But as I continued to think about it, I came to see the matter quite differently. "Aunt Babe" had experienced a lengthy illness, and more than a little pain and suffering. While in complete control of her faculties, she had signed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) Order. In a very real sense, "Aunt Babe" received the ultimate Christmas gift. She was relieved of the pain, discomfort, and physical maladies with which she endured with incredible dignity. God is good…all the time!

I’m done. Happy New Year; holla back!

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